The Childfree Life

When having it all, means not having kids
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 13, 2020 1:06 pm 
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Backstory: My friend "G" and I were friends since middle school and high school. She's always been independent and not worried overly much about what others think of her choices...was even out of the closet in high school (and this was before GSA orgs; it was a rough time to be an out queer kid). She and I went different ways, then met up again about ten or eleven years ago when we wound up in the same city. We would hang out sometimes. G met a new person, and I was glad she was happy. G's partner is the decent sort, but she had a kid from a prior relationship so I figured that either the relationship would run its course, or that it would stay on a more casual, ongoing basis as G wouldn't want to live with a child, let alone be a step parent. A few years went by...job-related stuff kept everyone from hanging out, the friendship drifted in and out. You know how adulthood is that way.

I found out through a mutual friend that G and her partner got married. I said something about how that's great, and I'm happy for them.

I never figured that G would have the patience for parenting. She's always had zero use for babies, but been good with kids and teenagers, but always on the condition that she has to be able to give them back after while (kind of like me in that regard). G and her wife dated for many years before getting hitched, so the kid was like eight or ten at that point. It's not like she was stuck changing diapers. Maybe the fact that the kid was at a relatively independent stage made it okay in her mind?


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 15, 2020 2:55 am 
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I suppose we all have different tolerances, as long as she's happy.

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 16, 2020 9:56 pm 
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Yeah, I suppose that's what it comes down to. Maybe G has learned that she can deal with the day-in, day-out stuff of raising an older kid (now a teenager), especially since that kid will likely be off doing college/young adult stuff in five or six years.

Whatever makes her happy. I've met her wife and she seems like a very neat lady and a zero-bullshit parent. World needs those.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 17, 2020 9:53 am 
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I know there is a extreme view that only someone who eschews children in all their forms counts as CF. I'm one of those no-how no-way child-haters, but I perfectly understand someone who foregoes having children for less totalitarian reasons.

I have a friend who was almost the stereotypical CF career-woman. Exciting jobs with media organisations all over the world. Never really had a serious relationship -- tended to be involved with people who were unavailable, like the one on a different continent. And the one with terminal cancer. Definitely didn't want anyone to tie her down! Also, not really the nurturing type. Plus an almost pathological loathing of others' bodily fluids. She couldn't even get a dog because she knew that picking up after it was a no-go. Didn't get a cat until she could have one that would go outside. So looking after a baby was never going to be a thing.

She eventually met her soulmate when she was about 50. He was about 60, and had three children from two different marriages (widower both times -- I have to admit that I wouldn't marry someone who already killed off two wives!), including 10 year old twin girls. But my friend slotted in to the family perfectly, loves the girls but always had more of an aunt-like relationship since they were already past the dependent childhood stage. And there were no ex-wives to deal with, so that helped.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 18, 2020 10:35 am 
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Ten would still be a no-go for me. Not when you still have all the teenage drama and the expense of college to deal with.

I guess when you meet the one, you meet the one, but they'd have to be Jesus in an Aston Martin for me to even consider it.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 18, 2020 12:18 pm 
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I'd be a hard no regarding anyone with children of any age -- grandchildren!


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 19, 2020 2:25 am 
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Amen to that, I don't care how old they are, kids beget kids.

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 19, 2020 7:34 am 
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Marrying someone with kids pretty much puts a dagger through a CF person's life. Once kids are in the picture, that's it. It NEVER stops. The parent NEVER stops parenting. Whether it be parenting adult children, being a parent to their children, being a parent to their children's children, being a parent to the other contraceptive failures in their family, and on and on. Fuck that shit. With all due respect to the OP's friend, I have always wondered just how in the world a CF person marries a breeder. I have seen that happen. I have seen CF people who utterly despised kids marry absolute kid crazy maniacs who not only bred, but also continued to breed well beyond the time that they should have stopped. I would think that there would be some unspoken resentment between the two sides, where the kid issue is concerned. Even if the two were head over heels in love.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 19, 2020 8:57 am 
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To be fair, G didn't really articulate any CF orientation/decision. She was never into babies or really small kids and never, ever articulated any wish to be a parent. Of course, queer people getting married and raising kids wasn't even an option when G was growing up, so maybe that affected things for her. I was going purely on what I saw (likely affected by my own CF bias...I always want more of us :) ).

But yeah...the parenting NEVER stops. Better her than me.

At least she and her wife seem to be somewhat old-school in that they expect to do things without the kid, and vice versa. G and I are still in touch and she clearly still has carved out time for hobbies, volunteer stuff, etc. Thank dawg. I don't think I could stomach watching her turn into what passes as a parent these days. Ick.


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