The Childfree Life

When having it all, means not having kids
It is currently Tue Sep 29, 2020 8:31 pm

All times are UTC-06:00




Post new topic  Reply to topic  [ 11 posts ]  Go to page 1 2 Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Thu Feb 13, 2020 1:06 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2018 11:34 am
Posts: 375
Backstory: My friend "G" and I were friends since middle school and high school. She's always been independent and not worried overly much about what others think of her choices...was even out of the closet in high school (and this was before GSA orgs; it was a rough time to be an out queer kid). She and I went different ways, then met up again about ten or eleven years ago when we wound up in the same city. We would hang out sometimes. G met a new person, and I was glad she was happy. G's partner is the decent sort, but she had a kid from a prior relationship so I figured that either the relationship would run its course, or that it would stay on a more casual, ongoing basis as G wouldn't want to live with a child, let alone be a step parent. A few years went by...job-related stuff kept everyone from hanging out, the friendship drifted in and out. You know how adulthood is that way.

I found out through a mutual friend that G and her partner got married. I said something about how that's great, and I'm happy for them.

I never figured that G would have the patience for parenting. She's always had zero use for babies, but been good with kids and teenagers, but always on the condition that she has to be able to give them back after while (kind of like me in that regard). G and her wife dated for many years before getting hitched, so the kid was like eight or ten at that point. It's not like she was stuck changing diapers. Maybe the fact that the kid was at a relatively independent stage made it okay in her mind?


Top
   
PostPosted: Sat Feb 15, 2020 2:55 am 
Offline
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2018 6:00 am
Posts: 857
Location: UK
I suppose we all have different tolerances, as long as she's happy.

_________________
Too bright to breed


Top
   
PostPosted: Sun Feb 16, 2020 9:56 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2018 11:34 am
Posts: 375
Yeah, I suppose that's what it comes down to. Maybe G has learned that she can deal with the day-in, day-out stuff of raising an older kid (now a teenager), especially since that kid will likely be off doing college/young adult stuff in five or six years.

Whatever makes her happy. I've met her wife and she seems like a very neat lady and a zero-bullshit parent. World needs those.


Top
   
PostPosted: Mon Feb 17, 2020 9:53 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Aug 18, 2018 6:55 am
Posts: 278
I know there is a extreme view that only someone who eschews children in all their forms counts as CF. I'm one of those no-how no-way child-haters, but I perfectly understand someone who foregoes having children for less totalitarian reasons.

I have a friend who was almost the stereotypical CF career-woman. Exciting jobs with media organisations all over the world. Never really had a serious relationship -- tended to be involved with people who were unavailable, like the one on a different continent. And the one with terminal cancer. Definitely didn't want anyone to tie her down! Also, not really the nurturing type. Plus an almost pathological loathing of others' bodily fluids. She couldn't even get a dog because she knew that picking up after it was a no-go. Didn't get a cat until she could have one that would go outside. So looking after a baby was never going to be a thing.

She eventually met her soulmate when she was about 50. He was about 60, and had three children from two different marriages (widower both times -- I have to admit that I wouldn't marry someone who already killed off two wives!), including 10 year old twin girls. But my friend slotted in to the family perfectly, loves the girls but always had more of an aunt-like relationship since they were already past the dependent childhood stage. And there were no ex-wives to deal with, so that helped.


Top
   
PostPosted: Tue Feb 18, 2020 10:35 am 
Offline
Site Admin

Joined: Wed Jun 06, 2018 12:45 pm
Posts: 751
Ten would still be a no-go for me. Not when you still have all the teenage drama and the expense of college to deal with.

I guess when you meet the one, you meet the one, but they'd have to be Jesus in an Aston Martin for me to even consider it.

_________________
Some people meditate. Some people caffeinate and vegetate.


Top
   
PostPosted: Tue Feb 18, 2020 12:18 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Aug 18, 2018 6:55 am
Posts: 278
I'd be a hard no regarding anyone with children of any age -- grandchildren!


Top
   
PostPosted: Wed Feb 19, 2020 2:25 am 
Offline
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2018 6:00 am
Posts: 857
Location: UK
Amen to that, I don't care how old they are, kids beget kids.

_________________
Too bright to breed


Top
   
PostPosted: Wed Feb 19, 2020 7:34 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2018 12:48 pm
Posts: 90
Marrying someone with kids pretty much puts a dagger through a CF person's life. Once kids are in the picture, that's it. It NEVER stops. The parent NEVER stops parenting. Whether it be parenting adult children, being a parent to their children, being a parent to their children's children, being a parent to the other contraceptive failures in their family, and on and on. Fuck that shit. With all due respect to the OP's friend, I have always wondered just how in the world a CF person marries a breeder. I have seen that happen. I have seen CF people who utterly despised kids marry absolute kid crazy maniacs who not only bred, but also continued to breed well beyond the time that they should have stopped. I would think that there would be some unspoken resentment between the two sides, where the kid issue is concerned. Even if the two were head over heels in love.


Top
   
PostPosted: Wed Feb 19, 2020 8:57 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Aug 28, 2018 11:34 am
Posts: 375
To be fair, G didn't really articulate any CF orientation/decision. She was never into babies or really small kids and never, ever articulated any wish to be a parent. Of course, queer people getting married and raising kids wasn't even an option when G was growing up, so maybe that affected things for her. I was going purely on what I saw (likely affected by my own CF bias...I always want more of us :) ).

But yeah...the parenting NEVER stops. Better her than me.

At least she and her wife seem to be somewhat old-school in that they expect to do things without the kid, and vice versa. G and I are still in touch and she clearly still has carved out time for hobbies, volunteer stuff, etc. Thank dawg. I don't think I could stomach watching her turn into what passes as a parent these days. Ick.


Top
   
PostPosted: Fri Feb 21, 2020 6:57 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sat Dec 21, 2019 8:56 am
Posts: 59
Location: Maipo Valley
Yeah, I think there are different levels. I wouldn’t want to be involved with someone with a child. It’s a dealbreaker for me, but others accept it if the relationship is otherwise good, I guess. And, then, there are people who can’t handle being alone.

We have a friend in that last category. She married young and she and her now ex-husband had one kid. She had her tubes tied some time after that because she didn’t want any kids. In her 40s she found out that her husband was cheating on her and they divorced. He soon remarried one of his affair partners. As soon as they were legally separated she seemed to have to constantly date. She could not be alone for a week, maybe because she had never really been single as an adult.

She cycled through a bunch of creepy guys. Then, one guy, we’ll call him the “pastel”, asked him to marry her after dating for only a few months. “Pastel” generally refers to pie or certain types of cake, but it also is slang for someone whose life is a total mess. This guy was a total “pastel” – 3 kids and one on the way with a recent ex, paying child support for all 3 and heavily in debt. Sadly, he also was severely depressed and it didn’t seem to be responding to the meds he was spending US$500 a month on. When they told his mother they were getting married, she cried, I guess since she figured no one would want to marry him.

Against advice from many, she went through with it and married "pastel". He works for the state bank and took a transfer to a small town in the south, which came with some sort of hardship bonus, so he could pay the child support for the 4 kids and they could afford to get together a few times a month. I think that is the only reason they lasted married as long as they did. After some time, he decided he was sick of the small town life and came back to the capital, which involved a huge pay cut. She had to essentially support him, since with the lower income ,everything was going to child support, debt payment and his medications.

Initially he had said that he was only going to pay child support for the baby and didn’t want visitation. But, when he moved back, he started up visitation with all the kids and wanted her to be really involved. The baby would spend overnights at the apartment. She hated it. Her one kid was in college by then and she did not want to be a stepmom to a baby at all.

Living together in the capital only lasted about 4-5 months before she asked him to move out and started divorce proceedings. My husband represented her in the divorce (as he did with the first). He said she seemed so relieved once the judge handed down the divorce decree.


Top
   
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic  Reply to topic  [ 11 posts ]  Go to page 1 2 Next

All times are UTC-06:00


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Limited