The Childfree Life

A girl at work has just come back from maternity leave and her baby is special needs. It just sounds horrible, she is so busy with doctors appointments on top of all the regular baby stuff. I do feel really bad for her, it sounds quite stressful. I overheard her commenting that she doesn't know if it is worth it.

I have been surprised by all the other people around me that have commented on special needs, ADHD, learning difficulties, speech difficulties, autism. I didn't realise so many people had to deal with this and have ongoing appointments with specialists.

Another girl at work was then complaining that her husband won't help at all with the baby. She was left to do it all when she was on maternity leave. She commented that her marriage was down in the drain and she had to get Prozac to help.

I think that was the one thing that really bothered me about having kids. You can have a great life and it can be snatched away and then you have 18 long gruelling years of dealing with it and in some cases, even then it doesn't end. It's just the amount of work that goes into parenting. It sounds exhausting.

I just have small moments of thank goodness, thank goodness.

^^^ My SIL has a high-functioning son (now adult). Nowadays, he's generally ok...works, moved to another city, more or less looks after himself.

But he was pure hell to raise. Always in and out of specialists' offices, always at the school, always fighting for this or that for him, or fighting about this or that with him, and she was divorced from his dad and he took the stance of "whatever you say, I'm fighting you on it."

Even now, he's in his 20's, lives 1500 miles from either parent, but they still have to do stuff for him, long distance (make sure he does his taxes, help him find a car, etc). He's not 100% independent.

And there's no guarantee that you're done at 18. All my siblings have ongoing involvement with their adult kids. One kid is always broke and needs money. One kid is always in some kind of relationship drama, one kid was a holy terror bipolar drug addict and you just prayed he didn't show up at your house at 1AM on any given day (he did that to me, and I'm not even his dad), and they all have one or more reason to be on medication (anxiety, bipolar, other stuff) and it means there's always some kind of worry or disruption or worse going on.

Aside from total estrangement, once you have a kid, that shit is for life. For life!

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"There is no bad weather, only bad clothes." - Unknown

Our neighbour had two children. The boy at 18 got into drugs and died from an overdose. The girl at some point became mentally ill and is not functioning as an adult. She became violent during her teenager years and screamed the house down.

They have bought her a unit to live in and have to pay all her expenses. She doesn't really have a relationship with them just abuses them however if they don't do it, I suppose how will she look after herself. They are shells of who they use to be.

That's the thing though isn't it you just don't know what you are going to get. The girl at work is in her 20's. People are so quick to think it's age related but sometimes it's just pure bad luck.

It's sad when having a baby is what makes people realize they married an asshole. Then it's like having two babies.

Having a special needs kid is the biggest reason I have for avoiding the whole circus. I couldn't deal with a normal kid. If I had a special needs one, I'd literally jump on a plane and not come back. I know I simply wouldn't cope. And to everyone who says "You'd find a way" ... I don't want to find a way. I don't want to deal with that shit at all.

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Some people meditate. Some people caffeinate and vegetate.

Our friend told us if she found out she was pregnant by her husband that she would abort without telling him. I was like "Why are you even with him then?" As far as I know they both want kids. She just doesn't want one with him apparently.

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The admin formerly known as Force10

This is one of the things my boyfriend and I often discuss with each other when we see parents that seriously struggle in one form or another because of kids.

A few things we have both generally observed in multiple couples we meet despite being in a long distance relationship (in other words, people can't say "well it's the same few individuals/extreme exceptions to the rule").

Scenario 1: They have (at least) one kid who doesn't follow any of the basic morals/rules that the parents did everything in their power to instill in them and it absolutely drives the parents nuts. Examples include kids who end up doing drugs, marrying someone who's abusive or someone their parents don't approve of in general and seemingly overnight, etc.

The bingo this one has us shaking our heads at is if people ever tell us that we should reproduce in order to support a specific cause or increase the number of people who believe one thing or another. You can do everything in your power to guide children as parents, but ultimately they are individuals who grow into adults and make their own decisions.

Scenario 2: The kid ended up being the job that broke the camel's back and made a couple's marriage not look so great. While two people can split the responsibilities of working and taking care of the house/cooking in various ways and still consider their individual efforts as equal or close to being equal, taking care of a kid brings in another job that almost always makes the split of jobs at lot less even. Plus, this makes people exhausted/irritable because the third major category of responsibility doesn't involve a third adult to pick up any slack.

Scenario 3: Both the possibility of any children developing disabilities (even when the parents know this is a likely case, some still continue to have more) or the parents having/developing disabilities that make being a responsible parent a lot more difficult. This one in particular bothers us because it should definitely fall under the "why society shouldn't question when a couple decides not to have kids" category and is one of both of our top 5 reasons we definitely don't want our own kids. There have been plenty of cases where the oldest kid (or middle child) in a family has a major mental or physical disability, but they have at least two or three more biological children.

Both my boyfriend and I honestly wonder a lot if people are willing to spend so much money on having so many biological children, why can't they do what appears to us to be the more responsible thing and adopt one or two instead of giving birth to four or more?

The part about it NEVER ending is one million percent true. In fact, it may even follow you into the afterlife. Not only will you have to parent your kids forever, you will end up parenting (if not raising altogether) any replicants that they spit out. I was talking to someone at work the other day who has several grandchildren. He told me that he and his wife are the grandparents, NOT the parents. While they are fortunate enough to have had kids who are actually responsible enough to raise their own kids and not push them off on the grandparents, they do find themselves parenting the grandchildren at times. Well, his wife does. He maintains his position that they are NOT the parents, which is correct. His wife's view is a bit different from his. She is of the "once you are a parent, you are a parent to every last replicant in the family" variety. Which is total fucking bullshit. I've seen it all my life, and it just baffles me. I mean, isn't parenting your own kids stressful by itself? Why add to it by parenting your nieces, nephews, great nieces and nephews, your cousins' kids, your grandchildren, etc? And breeders wonder why, on average, they die well before their time. Gee...I wonder why that is.

It never fucking stops. Kids just beget more kids. And a special needs kid? Holy. Fucking. Shit. Having a special needs kid not only pretty much signals that your marriage WILL end in divorce, but it all but guarantees you an early death.

THIS. And for me it applies to developmentally average, neurotypical kids too. Yeah, I do know what it takes to raise a kid and I know I'm capable of making those changes. I had decent examples growing up because I had really good parents. But just because I'm capable of that doesn't mean I should, or that I even want to. I like my adult life. I think I'll keep it, thanks.