The Childfree Life

When having it all, means not having kids
It is currently Tue May 17, 2022 6:24 pm

All times are UTC-06:00




Post new topic  Reply to topic  [ 7 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Another CF Dating fail
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2019 9:59 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Jun 15, 2018 3:35 am
Posts: 25
So I'm reporting back about a relationship I thought had potential. Things went mostly well with this guy and we went exclusive for 3 months. I was pretty happy and content, felt comfortable with him. He was really nice.

Suddenly, he dumps me last night. Gave a lot of different reasons. I was semi surprised, but not really because he seemed a bit distant the last month or so. I guess I had read the signs wrong, but now realize we weren't as good a match as I thought.

Anyway, a big surprise to me was yet again, the childfree issue. Basically he's a fencesitter and just now only told me while breaking up with me. He says he would rather reach a decision with his partner, and if stayed with me, he wouldnt really have that chance, his choice has been made for him. Totally, completely valid, and obviously a deal breaker for both of us.

However, I explicitly stated I did not want kids ever upfront. I mentioned it several times as being important to me. I mentioned previous relationships that failed because of it.. He told me he has a friend whose had the same problem. But during this entire time and all those conversations, he never told me he was a fencesitter until now, the very end.

Not this again! What do you make of this? This is the 3rd time this has happened to me. Why aren't people upfront about their feelings when I bring it up? Are they just not taking me seriously? Do they have to think about it for some time because they haven't thought about it much before? Im so over dating because this keeps happening. When I say Im childfree, I mean no kids ever. Ugh drives me batty! Im seriously ready to go couple free as well.


Top
   
PostPosted: Thu Jul 04, 2019 12:56 am 
Offline
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2018 6:00 am
Posts: 1016
Location: UK
Sorry it didn't work out, I can understand your irritation with the whole thing.

Well, the good news is he did eventually think about and make a decision, at least he didn't carry on and at some further point ( when you were further invested) come out with the hoary old chestnut of 'I thought you'd change your mind'....

It's not an excuse but I do think soooooooo many people just don't think about it, not unless they're CF, they just assume that it'll happen eventually (because that's what everyone does and therefore it requires no thought at all).

Add to that people are very circumspect in the early days of a relationship and are careful about what they say and don't say until they've 'felt' the other person out to their satisfaction (and everyone mileage is different in this regard). 12 weeks isn't that long a time and if he's been distant for a month, then it's only 8 weeks while your message has been sinking in and another 4 before he's figured out his own position and nutted up.

Yes it's frustrating and unfair, but people do frustrating and unfair things to each other all the time, often out of ignorance or thoughtlessness rather than malice. Cold comfort I know, it's such a shame that CF dating sites never really got any traction, at least then you'd know people have actually thought about it.

_________________
Too bright to breed


Top
   
PostPosted: Thu Jul 04, 2019 5:31 am 
Offline
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 05, 2018 5:25 am
Posts: 2602
Well, that's crap, and I'm sorry that happened.

I think part of it is that most people just don't take absolutes all that seriously: "I know you said you hate seafood, but even lobster? Seriously?! Lobster?!?!"

With kids, it's even harder to believe because, we'll, you know, they're kids! C'mon! You're 26 now, sure, you want that freedom, but 10 years from now, you *know* you're gonna wanna settle down!"

I think it's the same thing with family/friends who know your stance, then they get pregnant, and suddenly, "Yeah, I know you don't like kids, but you didn't mean *my* kid! Surely not! Here, babysit!"

If you're looking for a relationship, take some time to get past this latest wishy-washy pecker and just keep one eye open. The true CF'ers are out there, we're just hard to find.

_________________
"There is no bad weather, only bad clothes." - Unknown


Top
   
PostPosted: Sat Jul 06, 2019 8:32 pm 
Offline
Site Admin

Joined: Wed Jun 06, 2018 12:45 pm
Posts: 990
Ugh, yep, know that feeling. But I also suspect that it's simply because a lot of people don't ever think about it. They really do just drift along, and whatever happens happens. A lot of people simply aren't comfortable with closing doors, burning bridges, making hard decisions and sticking to them. Much easier to leave all the options open and then blame someone/something else when things don't work out.

And not being mean to you, but you weren't The One. If you had been, no children would have been fine with him. In this case, it's a convenient out.

Annoying, yes, but 12 weeks is hardly the end of the world. Better 12 weeks than 2 years. Or as it was in my case, almost 4 years.

_________________
Some people meditate. Some people caffeinate and vegetate.


Top
   
PostPosted: Sun Jul 07, 2019 6:33 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri Jun 15, 2018 3:35 am
Posts: 25
Quote:


And not being mean to you, but you weren't The One. If you had been, no children would have been fine with him. In this case, it's a convenient out.

Annoying, yes, but 12 weeks is hardly the end of the world. Better 12 weeks than 2 years. Or as it was in my case, almost 4 years.
Now that I've had a few days to think about it, I'm actually glad he broke up with me. He was such a nice guy, and I felt comfortable with him. But our lifestyles definitely do not match up in many ways, and I kind of blocked them out just cuz he was so nice. I don't think the relationship would've lasted too long anyway.


Top
   
PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2019 11:11 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2018 12:48 pm
Posts: 96
I can sniff out when someone says that they don't want kids but don't actually mean it. And a lot of times, that is the case. The words "oh..yeah...I don't want kids either...in fact...I don't even like them" will emanate from their mouths, yet, their body language tells a different story entirely. A lot of times, people just say what they think the other person wants to hear. They don't understand that if someone is TRULY CF by choice, then it is going to stay that way. No change of heart or anything like that is coming. And then them saying "yeah...me too" when they are of the opposite mind is not doing anyone any favors. Another thing people don't understand is, there is a WORLD of difference between someone being CF and someone just not having kids at that particular moment. CF is a choice. It is a choice that was determined long ago and isn't changing. Whereas, someone just not having kids at that moment means that they are either A) living a "pre-kid" life, or B) they are on the fence about it. When two people begin dating, the kid issue needs to be addressed quickly, openly, and honestly. It sounds like this dude that the OP was with dawdled and did a lot of hand wringing over the issue. The OP made her stance known while the guy, in typical fence sitter fashion, just sat there, saying nothing. Of course, a lot of times, these "fence sitters" are pro kids, all the way. That just haven't made their stance known yet, for one reason or another.


Top
   
PostPosted: Sun Aug 11, 2019 2:16 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Aug 18, 2018 6:55 am
Posts: 393
To weed out fence-sitters or eventual mind-changers, you need to establish whether someone "doesn't want children" or "wants to NOT have children." I reckon, someone who says they don't want something is way, way more likely to change their mind. If you don't want something now, all sorts of things can change to make you want it in the future.

If you want NOT to have something, that is a far more determined decision.

_________________
"I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way."


Top
   
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic  Reply to topic  [ 7 posts ] 

All times are UTC-06:00


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Limited