The Childfree Life

When having it all, means not having kids
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 Post subject: Re: Daily Rant Part 1
PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2020 12:36 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2018 4:00 pm
Posts: 1027
Location: Ontario, Canada
Husband’s best friend has let us know that he knocked his wife up. I think this is a terrible idea for multiple reasons, but hey, it’s their life.

The sad thing is that I’m about 95% certain that this is the death knell for the friendship. We were close with this couple at one point, but over the past few years, they barely ever have time for us anymore. I know that sometimes friendships naturally fizzle out or fade over time, but it still makes me sad, and there’s always a grieving process involved (at least for me).

We’re supposed to be seeing them via Zoom later today and I really don’t want to pretend to be happy for them. I’m just not in the mood for it.

Also, feeling this way makes me feel like a shitty friend. I have tried to stay friends with people who’ve had kids in the past, but it just feels like there’s no interest from them anymore since I’m not in the “mom club”.

It makes me sad.


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 Post subject: Re: Daily Rant Part 1
PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2020 3:41 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 20, 2020 3:52 pm
Posts: 46
I just recently went through this exact same thing. One of my closest friends is a couple of years older than me (32 now) and we've known each other since 2014. She had never wanted kids and it was one of the things that gave us the closest bond to begin with, especially as the only 2 CF women in our office. Last year in Feb she let me know she was pregnant and she admitted to me that she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want me to 'hate her'. I obviously don't hate her, that's a little much. :lol: But's it's definitely true that everything has changed and it will never be the way it was before her baby, and there is some silly feeling of betrayal under it all that made me grieve what our friendship was for a few months. She was the last of my CF friends so now I'm the lone wolf once more. More than anything I miss having someone to banter with about the joys of not having kids, which would obviously be inappropriate of me to share with her now lol. It's one of the main reasons I sought out this forum because I now have no one in my life of a like mind and found without an outlet I was becoming rather bitter at the whole subject.

If I wasn't as close to her as I am, the 'fizzle' would have been immediate after the birth last September, because that's how it worked out in other friendships of mine. I'm very socially awkward as it is and don't like to hang out with people or go to social outings even if I'm really close with people, so once a baby is born I just casually fade into the background and the reality is, they probably don't even notice until a few years later that I'm gone. It's also really hard to feign excitement and happiness for someone when that doesn't match your ideals at all; most of the people in this forum would see that as a death sentence so how do you act happy? Every time it happens to me I literally want to say the words 'Congratulations on kissing your life goodbye!', but I'm a nice person and keep those words on the inside lol.

I don't think it makes us a 'shitty friend'. Our friends know who we are, that this is what we want for our lives, and that we aren't changing our minds, so I like to believe they understand when we take a pretty big step back. And them knowing we don't want to be around a crying baby all the time or want to go places that babies aren't acceptable is probably one of the reasons their contact falls off as well. They're just two completely different cliques. You have theirs where they want to feel understood and have their self-made struggles acknowledged and be able to compare their experiences with other people going through the same thing. And you have ours where we want to completely ignore that world altogether and live a freer lifestyle not having to answer to anyone. They just don't mesh, it's like being Christian and Buddha. You'll find those friends will probably come to you with the stuff they could never take to the other mommies because of the judgment they would face, like how they hate having to be around other people's kids or think that Karen's parenting techniques are wrong. The ones who will babble on about nothing but themselves and their kids and don't let you get a word in edgeways or change the subject are the ones that have fallen so far off the path that you're probably better off moving on anyway, because nothing will ever be as important as themselves and their kids.


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 Post subject: Re: Daily Rant Part 1
PostPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2020 6:09 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2018 4:00 pm
Posts: 1027
Location: Ontario, Canada
Thanks, Benjis. This is sort of a similar situation in that this person used to claim to be CF, but then a couple of years ago he went through an extremely bad breakup and did a 180 and decided that he did want kids after all. Like I said, I believe that this is a bad idea for various reasons; but it’s not my life.

I’m lucky in that I do have several CF friends IRL. I managed to make it through my 20s and about half of my 30s before my friends started sprogging, but I’m 36 now and it seems like everyone has suddenly gotten knocked up. The ones who were really CF are still CF though; I have one friend who is CF but does love kids (her reasons for not having them have more to do with not wanting to pass on depression, not wanting to go off her meds for pregnancy/breastfeeding, and not wanting to bring kids into a world this shitty). I know her partner’s been snipped though so she’s unlikely to change her mind.

We’re supposed to be seeing them via Zoom tonight (got delayed a couple times) and like I said earlier, I’m not in a particular mood to pretend to be happy for them (who the fuck decides to get pregnant during a pandemic, anyway?). So I’m pre-drinking to make me care less :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Daily Rant Part 1
PostPosted: Sun Jul 05, 2020 8:26 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jul 01, 2018 5:16 pm
Posts: 281
That's one of the funny things about the Pandemic for DH and I... We've not been spending less time with friends because we were barely seeing them at all! The one CF couple that we were closest to drifted away for a variety of reasons (differing interests, politics etc) so DH and I had been keeping to ourselves quite a bit anyway. The major difference is that he's home all the time, so I get very little time in the house alone.


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 Post subject: Re: Daily Rant Part 1
PostPosted: Wed Jul 08, 2020 1:55 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 20, 2020 3:52 pm
Posts: 46
Quote:
We’re supposed to be seeing them via Zoom tonight (got delayed a couple times) and like I said earlier, I’m not in a particular mood to pretend to be happy for them (who the fuck decides to get pregnant during a pandemic, anyway?). So I’m pre-drinking to make me care less :lol:
Pre-drinking is always the way to go, it's how I get through most public outings! It's ok though, I'm Australian, I already know I'm pre-dispositioned to being a drunk haha! :lol: Hoping the Zoom meeting went alright for you!

I wish I was lucky enough to make it into my 30s with CF friends! To tell the truth, I was pretty much a lone CF in my early 20s, I come from a small, poorer town and literally went to a 14th birthday party where I was told my friend had had a forced abortion that same week (by her parents). Another girl I grew up with had a kid at 15. These ones are now onto their second or third kids... typically with a second and/or third partner as well.

I also don't understand all these people thinking having a baby during a pandemic was a good idea, then now complaining because their partner can't join them for appointments, etc. It also speaks volumes to their relationships in my mind; you people ever think about holding a conversation with each other or is the nooky all there is to it??


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