So it's nearly 12 weeks since Mr. Cami passed away and the only thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel all together is the fact that I am responsible for 4 little lost souls, our rescue dogs.
The grief has just gone into free fall and the knock on effect of loosing my soulmate of 26 years is far reaching beyond anything him or me could have ever had anticipated:
although I have lived in this country for most of my life, I never applied for full citizenship, mainly because of the costs involved. Due to a technicality and recent change in legislation I now find myself pretty much abandoned by this government and I have no access to any support network that is available to other citizens. It has been suggested to me I should go back to my birth country, which I pointblank refuse to do as I have no ties there and no wish to ever return. Luckily I can't be deported and forced to leave here and my husband has left me the (mortgage free) house so at least I still have a roof (although very old and leaky) over my head and can live relatively cheaply and frugal.
For reasons of living very remote and isolated, lack of public transport and me not driving it will be tricky to find a regular job, but I am in the process of setting up some work from home which will hopefully earn enough to keep my head above water. I have a few savings in reserve, so I think I should be okay until something sorts itself.
One thing I never knew before all this is just how badly some people can react to a grieving person. I keep myself to myself, but even under these circumstances it didn't take long for me to figure out that it generally is fully expected of me to 'pull myself together and put on a brave face'. Seeing my pain and turmoil makes people feel extremely uncomfortable. I have been frequenting a grief forum and it was a bit of a relief to read that other people have experienced the exact same thing: grief makes you a social outcast and the feeling of isolation and abandonment is very real and widespread.
I also had some totally thoughtless comments by well meaning people. Like 'You'll never get over the pain but your pillow at night is your own to cry into.'
Cheers for that!
'Shame you didn't have any children, you wouldn't be so alone now and in fact you'd have grand children by now!' My husband had 2 children and 3 grand children. They never gave a toss about him...
and the ultimate in OneUpmanship: 'I was far younger than you with 3 small children when MY husband died!'
that one left me pretty speechless I must admit. I didn't know it was a contest.
so yeah: it feels good to have this forum back, this is a safe place to vent.