The Childfree Life

Dried apricots and VPN tokens may be the same size, but they do not taste the same. I know this from experience.

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"There is no bad weather, only bad clothes." - Unknown

Most VPN solutions now have a token generator app you can put on your phone. That should prevent this from happening in the future.

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The admin formerly known as Force10

^^^ Then I'd have to post about the similarity of my phone and graham crackers!

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"There is no bad weather, only bad clothes." - Unknown

I subscribe to the "Ask Reddit" page where people can ask any questions of subscribers. Someone asked, "What's the most valuable thing your kids have broken?" So I told the story of how my niece and nephew, 10 years ago, broke my elliptical machine and the footrest on my couch during the same visit. I added that I get annoyed every time I sit in that chair because it has no footrest.

It generated dozens of replies, most of them incredulous, not at the kids, but that I had not bought a new couch in that time! Do people typically replace their furniture less than every 10 years???

^^^ Our couch and one side chair are nearly 20 years old. Our "new" chair is 14 years old.

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"There is no bad weather, only bad clothes." - Unknown

So it's nearly 12 weeks since Mr. Cami passed away and the only thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel all together is the fact that I am responsible for 4 little lost souls, our rescue dogs.
The grief has just gone into free fall and the knock on effect of loosing my soulmate of 26 years is far reaching beyond anything him or me could have ever had anticipated:
although I have lived in this country for most of my life, I never applied for full citizenship, mainly because of the costs involved. Due to a technicality and recent change in legislation I now find myself pretty much abandoned by this government and I have no access to any support network that is available to other citizens. It has been suggested to me I should go back to my birth country, which I pointblank refuse to do as I have no ties there and no wish to ever return. Luckily I can't be deported and forced to leave here and my husband has left me the (mortgage free) house so at least I still have a roof (although very old and leaky) over my head and can live relatively cheaply and frugal.
For reasons of living very remote and isolated, lack of public transport and me not driving it will be tricky to find a regular job, but I am in the process of setting up some work from home which will hopefully earn enough to keep my head above water. I have a few savings in reserve, so I think I should be okay until something sorts itself.

One thing I never knew before all this is just how badly some people can react to a grieving person. I keep myself to myself, but even under these circumstances it didn't take long for me to figure out that it generally is fully expected of me to 'pull myself together and put on a brave face'. Seeing my pain and turmoil makes people feel extremely uncomfortable. I have been frequenting a grief forum and it was a bit of a relief to read that other people have experienced the exact same thing: grief makes you a social outcast and the feeling of isolation and abandonment is very real and widespread.

I also had some totally thoughtless comments by well meaning people. Like 'You'll never get over the pain but your pillow at night is your own to cry into.' Cheers for that!
'Shame you didn't have any children, you wouldn't be so alone now and in fact you'd have grand children by now!' My husband had 2 children and 3 grand children. They never gave a toss about him...
and the ultimate in OneUpmanship: 'I was far younger than you with 3 small children when MY husband died!' that one left me pretty speechless I must admit. I didn't know it was a contest.

so yeah: it feels good to have this forum back, this is a safe place to vent.

Cami, I'm so sorry for your loss. And also that you have encountered such complete idiots.

Grief is an entirely personal thing. Everyone grieves differently, and however you're doing it is the right way for you. Feel whatever you feel, whenever you feel it, and just try to cut yourself some slack along the way.

So very sorry to hear about this Cami, I know there are no words, but my thoughts are with you.

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Too bright to breed

Very sorry to hear, Cami. I know people can be thoughtless at times because they just don't know what to say.

If at all possible, I'd explore getting a driver's license and a cheap car, if possible, just in the sense of being practical. You may find it easier to get to a local support group or something like that. I don't know where you are, but a support group may not care if you're a citizen or not.

These things just take time. When my brother's wife died suddenly, it took him a couple of years to get somewhat back to his old self, and in some ways, he never has, and their kids, all adults, dealt with it very differently.

Please, post as you need to, we're here to listen.

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"There is no bad weather, only bad clothes." - Unknown

I'm so sorry to hear of what you're going through, Cami. It seems like many forums - especially those mostly populated by women with children (wonder why that is...) - turn into the Nobody-Knows-The-Trouble-I've-Seen Olympics. No one can be supportive - rather they must be the Most Suffering of All. One thing I liked/like about this forum is that people tend not to do that here. Everyone is supportive and willing to listen.

On another vastly different note, I've been reading the blog We Hunted The Mammoth lately. Well, since the Canadian van attack carried out by a self-described "incel". Dear lord above, I didn't realise how absolutely dreadful the Reagan mental health cuts were until now. I mean, I knew they were bad, as evidenced by, well, a lot, but Holy Sheboygan did I underestimate. These so-called "incels" (I scoff because there's nothing involuntary about their celibacy) are obsessed with "Chads". Seriously, I haven't read this much about Chads since the Bush-Gore election of 2000. "Chad" is supposedly a guy who gets all the hot women, keeps them in a harem, and he's not about to share with the incels. The incels hate Chad because he is depriving them of their right to sex (with only hot women, of course). It's both hilarious and horrifying reading the posts containing excerpts of incel whinge-fests on those forums. They range from pathetic to pathalogical, but they way they throw around the term "Chad" like it's a scientifically-accepted thing is quite funny.